1st
For You to Read and Understand
sometimes I can be a bitch
it’s true, I can admit it
it’s hard not to overreact when at times you feel the world is against you and the best part of you is what your friends see
but sometimes there’s more that is about me than anything else.
everyone has their own cross to bear and I’m just better at making it public, without acknowledging (well i try to a great percentage of the time) it’s impact on other people.
Similarly I try to be a support system to them, but that’s unfair in the sense that i do it from my point of view and how I need it instead of the most obvious and more sensitive way of accepting that they will come to me and are my support system in THEIR ways and on THEIR terms.
its just not always about me. Perhaps it’s been the last few years. Perhaps it was the chaos of last year, which we can all acknowledge was a mess and at times fucked us up. But we’re not the same people and we don’t need to hold on to that battle mentality.
external pressures and life have made me strong in a way but incredibly vulnerable and manipulative or pushy because that is what life required; it’s my vice, especially after I stopped drinking for a plethora of reasons.
I’m at a better place and while i often recognize my flaws and over apologize, actions speak louder than words. I need to be the better person and stop repeating the cycle of guilt and pressure that was/has/is imposed on me in various arenas of my world.
I know you read this and you’re busy at work, but take it with the love that is is meant it was written with. I know you know me and that you love me anyway and you will see me at brunch and we’ll discuss love and life. But I apologize for always letting you see only the worst of me, because I am not that and I hope (and know you know that). Perhaps you deserve a better friend. But you have me and we’re both not use to the type of give and take that we each require.
I am over expressive and a pest, but you know all this. But the pictures I sent were funny.
Bad times will come, but good times will come and have always been around.
I trust that in making choices it’s not about hedonistic impulses (well completely) but being honest and believing that as your friend I should automatically know this.
for you
:) I hope you respond.
