15th
Uses of Anger or Rage or Feelings or Something
I love Audre Lorde and have read her Uses of Anger and how as a woman of color (person of color) you have this pressure to feel subdued or to surpress this. I don’t think this is unique to people of color, but perhaps anyone that has had to live through any sort of adversity or has otherwise felt othered.
Even now, when you watch people who have suffered through disasters or tragedy (I’m thinking of Hurrican Katrina survivors or rape victims that are on display and are forced to constantly relive their experience and educate us about how they have managed to “go on and continue to live”). Anyway, I’m thinking how they have they have to tell us how they are survivors and how they are moving forward and how they hope for the future (all of which I’m sure is true). Rarely, (and it does happen on the rare occasion) do we get some sort of gut wrenching look of honesty and just see the rage and hear the person just talk about how angry they are and how they are not over how they feel about their experience and you can feel their seething anger and rage that has been consistently brewing and you as audience are expecting them to put on this smile, but they have refused. They’re fucking angry and they want you to know. They want you to know, they need you to know, maybe it’s part of their catharsis.
I’m supposed to experience that according to Therapist. I’m supposed to get angry and filled with rage and allow myself that. I’m supposed to embrace it, write about it, not feel guilty about it, and most importantly stop apologizing for it. I always feel guilty for being honest about who I am and try to stop myself from over analyzing and going insane; yet when I do that I find that I feel worse and feel guilty for having the “audacity” to have feelings, for having reactions, for having explosions or for just needing sometimes to vent how I really feel. In the end, I wind up apologizing (genuinely) for having feelings, it’s funny that way.
I can write about all the reasons Therapist gave for this, but in the end I guess I still have to find a balance. A balance between what is what I’m confused about.
